Any flashing lights on my street prompt me to come out to the front porch. This time, the EMS stopped at the other end of the block. My only connection to any neighbours up there is the occasional hello when they walk by the house. Still, it’s disconcerting.
The next day, as I pass a house close to where the ambulance stopped, I notice an older man sitting on his porch. Older does not mean older than me. It means older, like me—an identity I am slowly embracing. I say hello and then mention the ambulance, asking if it was his house. “Not this time,” he responds cryptically.
You can’t follow up a comment like that with “have a nice day” and leave. I walked up to his porch and stood at the bottom of the stairs, and asked him if he was unwell. He tells me he has been diagnosed with dementia. He watched his mother die of the same disease and has decided he doesn’t want to put his family through that suffering. He tells me he is opting to end his life. In Canada, it is an option: Medical Assistance in Dying, also known as MAID. I mostly listen and ask questions. I sense he needs to talk.
I’m grateful for the training and reading I’ve been doing over the past year in my Death Doula course. I feel far more equipped for the conversation. And I still feel like there isn’t much to say. I can see he doesn’t want to die, but I can also see he doesn’t want to face the same future as his mother. We discuss his medication and its effectiveness. We talk about how he feels himself slipping away, a little more each week. Eventually, I have to leave. He’s lived on our street for fifteen years. It’s our first conversation. I still don’t even know his name.
I went by his house yesterday. The chair on the porch was empty. I feel drawn to go back and talk more. I think being a nameless neighbour may make me a safe place for him to process his decision. I don’t think it was a coincidence that I was there.
I shared this story on the final night my “A Year to Live” group met. We’ve been meeting for a year, doing the spiritual, emotional and practical work necessary to face our mortality. It’s essential when you are in the third act of life. We all agreed that we are glad we are doing this work now. We are making decisions while we can. Surprisingly, we all feel more focused on living as we plan for the end of life.
Frank Ostaseski wrote, “Embracing the truth that all things inevitably must end encourages us to not wait in order to begin living each moment in a manner that is deeply engaged.” (from The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully)
I keep thinking about the words he said, and how they are true for all of us, “not this time.”
We have this moment. We have now. We have the opportunity to do the work that needs to be done to make our inevitable passing as calm and meaningful as possible for everyone.
I have several ways to support you on your conscious aging journey. I’ve listed them below, along with a brief description and a link that will direct you to a more detailed description for each one. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.
The Summer Legacy Project. I am excited about this course. I’ve taught Ethical Wills and Legacy Writing projects before, but I know that for most of us, the challenge isn’t knowing what or how to do it, but rather making time for it. This ten-week email course is designed to break it down to make it easy to do. Read more about it here.
Soul-Centered Planning: Preparing for the End of Life with Clarity and Care. Only one in three Americans and less than one in five Canadians have completed basic end-of-life documents, such as a will or advance directive. When we don’t plan, we leave our loved ones overwhelmed, unsure of what we want and unprepared to carry it out. Soul-Centered Planning is a gentle, guided journey through the emotional, practical, and spiritual aspects of end-of-life preparation.
Soul-Centered Aging Retreat. This retreat sold out fast last year. There are only 14 spots available. It was one of the most rewarding experiences in my career. When you get a group of wise women together for a few days, the result is magical. Read more about it and sign up soon to secure a spot.
And there is more!
I’m working with a few other organizations this year.
Can you get to Kitchener-Waterloo? I am facilitating a workshop at the University of Waterloo’s Annual Spirituality & Aging Seminar. It is part of the Research Institute for Aging. Many of you will be familiar with Carol Orsborn and her work. She will speak in the morning on the topic of Embracing Aging as Culmination. I’d love to see you there if you're able to attend.
If you are interested in joining a group of women in an online Wisdom Circle. I am leading a circle called The Path of Conscious Aging for Spirit of Sophia. You can find out the details here.
And finally!
I am co-leading a year-long group called Facing Our Mortality: A Year to Live beginning in July. The course is offered through Sage-ing International.
Thank you for being part of this community. The longer I do this work, the more I am reminded that you can’t do it alone.
With gratitude,
Sandy
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From the title on Sandy, great reflections, thanks